Valentines Day! Decadent Industries and Financial Molestation!

Thank fuck! Valentines Day is finally over and done with. All I can say right now is that it is quite possibly the biggest swindle to have been unleashed on the human race and should be abandoned forthwith.
Now that I can look back retrospectively on the carnage and misery of the event, I can right it off as a day when greedy self-centred girlfriends, levy all types of outlandish demands in the name of “love”.

I am starting to get the feeling that this blog entry may be just a little unjustified, on account of having a girlfriend who doesn’t pander to the hype that surrounds the day. With that said, I still can’t shake the feeling that my other half may just be stockpiling these minor indiscretions. At any rate, at least I have given her the only thing that is prized by women above any material possessions. Leverage, ammunition, call it what you may, but I have a funny feeling that the next time harsh words are exchanged in the heat of battle, it won’t be long before this little bombshell is dropped right back on my doorstep.

I and every other man in the world have very good reason to despise Valentines Day. Retailers are out to make an absolute killing and seem to manage to do so, with a mercenary disregard that would cause the toughest of men to shed a tear. I recently heard of a florist charging the extortionate price of £60 for 12 roses. I wouldn’t have a problem paying that sort of money, provided that the roses came wrapped in the “Shroud of Turin”. Of course, I only heard about this florist, because they were on the news, crying about how large supermarkets were stealing business from them by offering roses for the grand sum of £10. It doesn’t take a statistician to figure out what the gender breakdown of Tesco customers was that day.

For those of you that did get financially raped yesterday, the Valentines Day rules are really quite simple. However, in order to pull it off you will need to have the nerves and bravado of a “grifter”.

1. Firstly, obtain a gift that will ensure, a sleepless night on the sofa has been avoided, whilst parting with the lowest amount of money possible. (See the Tesco Roses).

2. Once this has been achieved the key to getting away with the crime, is to ensure that after the purchased article has been handed to the “mark”, trying not to look as though you spent a miserly quantity of cash on it.

3. Throw in a comment like “I hope you like them”, which will invariably put the other half onto the back foot and remove the opportunity for questioning.

4. And most importantly, make sure you get rid of the damn receipt. This might seem like and obvious schoolboy error, but most girlfriends use the receipts in a mans wallet like GPS. Armed with your receipts they can tell where you have been and what you did.

Finally, the beauty of this system, can be altered and adapted for almost every occasion, so use it wisely.